Trigger Warning:
Discussion of suicide/self-harm (don’t worry it’s not too dark)
This week’s question is, “What inspires you to get up every day and why?” Why was my first thought -> looking forward to crawl back into bed at the end of the day?
Jokes aside, a few therapists have asked me the same question over the past few years. I have also thought about it every time a family member or friend has attempted to take their life or opened up to me about self-harm. My sister, in particular, made me think deeply about why I have continued to get up every morning despite the traumatic experiences and mental sicknesses I have endured. She has jokingly asked me: “Joy, how did you never try to kill yourself during your bad years?”
The Bad Years
High school and the first few years of college were difficult for me because I struggled with depression, body image issues, trauma from negative sexual encounters, and poor physical health. Still, I stayed focused in school, maintained good hygiene, and nurtured social relationships. While I am proud of being a hardworking perfectionist, I was not proud of my motivation to work hard. They were less related to inspiration and more about pressure not disappointing others. I also wanted to maintain the facade that I was healthy and doing well. However, my PUSH PUSH PUSH approach was not sustainable. During freshman year, the fact that I was not fueling myself adequately, my lack of sleep, and my stress resulted in me fainting and falling down the staircase that leads to ISEC. After a hospital visit and a long call with my mother, I returned to my quiet hometown in Amherst to begin the process of healing.
What Keeps Me Going
In Amherst, I started seeing doctors and therapists more regularly. One of the first questions a therapist will ask is, “Have you ever had thoughts of self-harm?” I found this question interesting because I had had countless thoughts of how peaceful I would feel if I ended my life but had never actively planned to end it. In my darkest moments, I had simply studied for my next exam as my textbook pages became soaked with tears. I knew I was in a horrible place, but I did not want to end it for several reasons:
- 1. I had worked so hard to achieve everything I had, whether it be getting into Northeastern, completing my study abroad, or winning the Japanese Speech Contest in Tokyo. I did not want to waste my hard work by ending my life.
- 2. Some part of me always knew that there was a chance that things would get better. I could still picture myself healed and happy one day. That was enough to keep working towards my academic goals despite being broken inside.
- 3. My sister had just been hospitalized a year ago for attempted suicide, and my family was still recovering from the experience. As the eldest daughter of an immigrant, single-parent household, it was my responsibility to stay strong. I could not give up because my mother and sister needed me. I was the mediator in many family conflicts, the vacation planner, and the only one who cared about birthdays and holidays. In addition, I did not even want to think about what would happen to my sister if she received news that I had ended my life. I could not do that to my family.
Sprinkles for my ice-cream
Thus, I attribute the fact that I still got up every day to my pride in my accomplishments, hope for the future, and sense of responsibility to my family. I still struggle with several of the issues I mentioned earlier, but my list of inspirations has also expanded. Here are a few more reasons (Sprinkles) I get up every day:
- Even though Job search is draining, I finally know what kind of position I want and in which industry. Narrowing the focus on my job search has allowed me to picture my ideal future after graduation. Having a dream to chase is sometimes enough to keep up with the piling schoolwork.
- I am visiting my friend Yebon, who also struggles with depression, in London next semester. I want to improve my mental health so that I can pour endless joy into her when I see her. Making my family and friends feel loved and appreciated is also very important to me, and I can only do so if I am healed mentally.
- Regarding my physical health, I want to have my own family one day. My poor sleeping habits, eating issues, and stress caused me to lose my ability to have children (temporarily). I have finally realized that I need to prioritize my health and get better for myself and my future family.
- Other Smaller Things that get me out of bed:
- The fun parts of getting ready in the morning: choosing a cute outfit, choosing a perfume/ scent layering combination/ making my flavored water drink
- Facetiming my loved ones and hearing updates about their lives
- Looking forward to the Holidays – especially Halloween and Christmas! I love gift-giving, so preparing presents is the highlight of my year!
- My obsession with cottage cheese – after a hard day of work and studying, I will be able to binge Love is Blind Season 5 while munching on my favorite food!
- Reading! As you might know, I am obsessed with thrillers and crime novels. The excitement they bring me keeps me going on dull days.
- Seeing the seasons change – Boston is beautiful no matter the time of year. Recently, watching the leaves change colors and flow through the air has given me an extra serotonin boost.
Takeaway
All this shows that it truly is vital to enjoy the little things. While my pride in my accomplishments, hope for the future, and sense of responsibility to my family are the main reasons I have not given up, the small burst of joy I experience from small things every day has also added up. Still, more than anything, the people I love make my life worth living. Not only do they give me laughter and happiness, but they make sadness and anxiety manageable.
That is a wrap, folks; I cannot wait to read your blog posts! Maybe I will come across some healthy coping mechanisms. HAHA.
All love,
Joy
