The First Ending

Last night, as I packed my bags in preparation to move out the next morning, a wave of sadness overcame me. That day, my friends and I exchanged gifts, watched a Christmas movie, and enjoyed each other’s company before we had to go our separate ways. It’s crazy to think that 3 months ago, I didn’t even know these people existed (besides my roommate, of course). Moving into college was overwhelming on its own but with COVID, it seemed impossible to make friends who’d last. Three months later, I’ve found some people who I can say I care about and love.

I won’t lie though, it was hard. There’d be nights where I’d wonder when I’ll meet people that I felt a true connection with- and if I’d find any friends at all. Everyone treats college as this time where you immediately find yourself and your people and you all live your best lives together from there on. For some, it takes time to actually get to this point and for others, they never get to it at all.

I’m getting sad writing about this because I can still feel how sad I was in September. I was homesick every day, missed Noah and felt like I only had him, and I wanted to be with my hometown friends. In a letter that my Intro to Nursing class had me write to myself back in September, I went on about how worried I was for classes to really start. I even reminded myself that, when it comes to friends, “it’s all about quality NOT quantity.” When they sent the letters back last week, it made my heart so warm because I was so right. I was so giddy and worried about everything surrounding me; it was such an emotional ride to read back to myself almost 3 months later.

I think the reason I got so sad while packing was because I’d be leaving behind my freedoms and friends in Boston (or wherever their homes are). To be back home means I can’t go wherever I want, explore the city, and basically live my own life (since I’ll be back under my parent’s roof). The city has made me grow up in a short period of time; it’s made me realize that I want more than my hometown. I want to finally start my life and work towards my career goals, even if that means I get to see my family a little less.

I was also sad while packing because I remembered that going home meant I’d be coming back in January without Noah. He’s leaving on the 27th of this month to go to Basic Training for the army and I won’t see him until May (yes I started crying as I wrote this). He helped me get through a tough semester and I’m not sure I would’ve made it through without him. It’ll be hard to not talk to and see my best friend every day, but we’re both working towards our life goals- just separately. When he’s done with his training, I’ll be done with my first year of nursing school. After these 5 months apart, we’ll work towards our futures together.

If I could describe my first semester of college in a word, it’d be: unpredictable. With the pandemic, the current climate of social injustices in our country, and the fact that our world is burning up, 2020 has been a sh*tshow. There hasn’t been a day this semester where I’ve woken up and didn’t see or hear anything unsettling or predictable. Every day there’s always something new (but I’m kind of here for it). In the words of myself from September, remember to “enjoy your time here because it does go by quickly. Happiness over everything.” Here’s to new beginnings and the first ending.