I came across a TikTok recently talking about how our toxic traits are the opposite of our love languages. When we self-sabotage, we hurt ourselves by denying ourselves what we love to receive most. For example, those who thrive on quality time with their friends and loved ones may self-isolate, those who enjoy physical touch will suddenly be avoidant and refuse comfort, those who enjoy acts of service may refuse to ask for help, those who enjoy gift-giving may experience an increase in impulsive spending, and those who like words of affirmation may engage in negative self-talk.
My top two love languages right now are acts of service and quality time, and so when I’m struggling or having a hard time, I realize I am highly likely to self-isolate, cut off contact with friends and people I care about, and refuse to open up, be vulnerable, or ask for help. I suddenly don’t want to rely on others for anything, and decide that if I can’t have perfect friendships I’m better off with none. Essentially, if I can’t have 100, I’d rather choose the 0 instead of the 50. However, I recognize that this is a really harmful mindset, and the only thing it accomplishes is denying me human connection – yes, it saves me from the disappointment and hurt from when friendships fall short or go wrong, but it also denies me the joy and pleasure of when a friendship goes right. I deserve to have support when I’m enduring something difficult, and I am not weak to ask for someone to lean on.
When my grandma, my dad’s mom, passed last summer in June, it was the night of the strawberry supermoon. And when my grandpa, my mom’s dad, passed a week ago, it was Valentine’s Day in the Philippines.
Last summer, it took me so long to open up to my friends and show that I was hurting. I didn’t know how to bring it up and I didn’t know if I even wanted to – I only ended up finally speaking about it because people asked me directly how I was doing (not well) and I’m fine with lying by omission, but I don’t like lying directly. If someone asks me directly, I have no choice but to answer honestly. Even then, after my friends finally knew, I didn’t like asking for support. I’d often just wait until it was too much to suppress and then it would come tumbling out. At the time, I had also lost contact with my best friend in college at the time, and I not only missed her but also didn’t know who to turn to if not her. No one else in Boston knew me nearly as well as she did. And my other close friends were across the country in California and Arizona. I had a really hard time that summer, because I was also working 6 days a week as a Starbucks barista and orientation leader, and later on also had to do some difficult conflict resolution for some of my friends. And so it didn’t help that I was also actively making it harder for myself by not asking for help when I needed it and denying myself comfort and affection. I was falling back into the pit of hyperindependence that I’ve been trying to climb out of for years.
Now, when I heard the news, I immediately texted and reached out to my friends and people I could rely on to let them know what I was going through and to also receive comfort during the initial stages of grief. I’ve cried multiple times after the initial time, some alone and some not, but I feel much, much better than how I felt last summer without anyone to turn to. When you’re grieving, you need to nourish your body and soul, and rest the mind. If you’re grieving right now, too, I hope you give yourself grace, forgive yourself for the ways you can’t show up the way you want to right now for your duties/responsibilities, be honest with yourself about how you’re feeling and what you need, and take it easy.
You’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. And everything will be alright.
